crowdragon2001

Oh for crying out loud...

So a bit of an update for those who may or may not know the details of my past. After i give a little background i will continue with what i was going to write.

Relationships.... not my strong point in life... non of them have lasted more than a year or so... most of them ended with a dramatic flare and/or an explosion that would blow your hair back. though if we went by cumultive time and not time in one sitting... i suppose the longest relationship i have been in was with Chris Cogswell. we dated a few different times and each time around about the year marker things would fall apart... now im not mentioning this as a slam to him or his name... truth be told a lot of little revelations have come about in my life that have opened my eyes to a slightly bigger picture of my life than i had before...

now, as with any relationship that ends explosively, both parties do and say very hurtful things to eachother... i admit most of the things i did to him was to ensure that he would never want to see me again.... why, you ask? because i had come to the conclusion that obviously we werent meant to be together and i knew i wasnt strong enough to walk away from him if he were to show back up in my life... so i did what i could to make him hate me, and i suppose for the most part it worked...

so now that the bit of background is out of the way here's what i really wanted to talk about. i keep having dreams about Chris... why, i dont know. some people say its the subconscience trying to work out thoughts while you sleep, other say it has a deeper meaning and still others say its all bullshit. so what do i think? i dont know. all i do know is that im not sure that im prepared or even able to bump into the guy on the street. i mean if i cant really handle a dream about him how could i handle actually seeing him in the real world... so you can see my anxiety over the whole thing...

the dream i had last night had something to do with him... the only part i remember about it was the concept that he lived a half mile or so down the road from where i am living now...

i guess im writing about this because i really want to get to a point where stuff like this doesnt threaten to derail my progress on all the personal/emotional crap ive been working so hard on over the years...